My fellow Americans,

As my competitors ramp up their campaign rhetoric, I feel it is appropriate for me to do the same. The Democratic, Republican, Libertarian, Socialist, Constitution, Green, America’s Independent, Boston Tea, Prohibition, Reform, Socialism and Liberation, Socialist Worker’s and Ralph Nader party’s candidates have all criticized each other’s motives, policies, experience, age, medical history, terrorist affiliations, middle names, gender, race, inclusion, exclusion, vocabulary, religious affiliation, cleanliness, chastity, shoe size and blood type. But there is one vice that they all share: Bias.

That’s right. Each of these candidates is opinionated and biased. I, John Q. Uncommitted promise to end all of that. My opponents seem to think that the American people want a President who has opinions, from a party with a political agenda. But, if you look at the criticism of the Media, you will find that all Americans hate one thing: Bias.

Look at the numbers: 2,527 delegates to the Democratic National Convention REFUSED to vote for a Presidential candidate. They are clamoring for change, but that change cannot be found in the biased and opinionated Senators McCain or Obama. They wanted a President who is not afraid to take NO ACTION WHATSOEVER. I will bring that change.

I promise, that as President, I will allow all legislation that is brought to my desk to stay there. I will appoint a cabinet with representatives from every registered party, to further ensure that no action occurs.

As a former Secretary General of the United Nations, I have a record of general Apathy and Indifference, and I have worked with numerous men, women and dolphins who espouse those virtues as well. All executive orders and State of the Union addresses that I create will have the same lack of Authority and Direction as a UN Non-Binding Resolution, and I will supervise Inter-state relations with the same diligence and consensus as the UN Security Council.

With your support, we can help create a new foreign policy for America, one which takes only minimal punitive actions, and only to the most irrelevant of threats. We can create a new Healthcare system where doctor’s trained in the best liberal-arts schools will travel to impoverished regions of the country with unsterilized equipment inadequate for even the simplest of procedures. I promise to uphold the vaguest interpretation of the constitution, and will appoint Supreme Court judges who will make decisions that please all parties involved, without ever addressing the issue being brought forward.

The state of the World Community is a testament to my ability as a leader, and the usefulness of my administrative style. Vote for Change. Vote for Prosperity. Vote for Peace. Vote Uncommitted.


I am John Q. Uncommitted and I approve this message.